I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
