I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
