all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm both gender and math confused
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
