In the future we'll all be gay
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize