M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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