we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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