i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
