I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
