Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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