I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
