i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
