I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
