Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
