6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
