new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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