you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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