My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize