if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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