I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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