is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize