i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
