Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
