Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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