your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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