dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
