Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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