What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
