I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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