i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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