never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
