just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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