cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
