Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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