Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
