so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
