I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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