i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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