Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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