woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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