id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
