I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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