I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
