Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
These tits shall not be calmed
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