I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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