Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
