I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dear god my vagina.
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