He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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