I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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