god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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