Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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