Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
