Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
