You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
