What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
