I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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