Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
