everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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