Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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