apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
